Friday, October 24, 2008

Chicago Suburbs. More than Ikea...promise.

Check. It. Out. Last night I learned that Schaumberg offers more than the monster Ikea. And it's call Medieval Times. Below is a recap of how to get taken advantage of by Disney and sort of like it.

Medieval Times - An Essay by Your Lady....

I am intrigued by the shear genius of this place called Medieval Times, and partially because you can tell it's run by Disney because of stuff like this:

We walk in, and are slightly confused, someone takes our tickets and immediately hands us a "pass" that we are to take to someone else. That someone puts a crown on our head (sorted by color so they can quickly identify you and your section) and shoves us through a door where someone else is taking our picture! Like immediately. I just kept thinking, Princess?!? Wait! I still have my coat on, I haven't checked to see what my hair looks like with this crown on! I have not applied lip gloss! Wait! Too late. Picture taken. Being ushered through another door. Whiz. Bang. Boom.

Present your pass to someone:

Someone: Would you like to take a tour of the dungeon, it takes about 15 minutes and you have 20 before the show starts.
Me: Um, yeah ok.
Someone: Great, that'll be two dollars apiece.
Me: (eyes get big, like, wait, what? so, I turn around, look at the group - who looks equal parts scared, confused and elated to be there - they shake their heads yes) Um, yeah, ok...let me just find my you, where is the dungeon?
Someone: Through the door to your left.
Me: Ugh, ok....oh - and where do I confirm my announcement (I got them to announce Carter's birthday)?
Someone: Go through the door and look for the booth with a bunch of pointy hats.
Me: Yeah, ok...

I find the pointy hat booth and Cade distracts Carter while I speak with a maiden about the announcement I wish for them to make. This girl is no doubt attending drama school. She looks at me with the look of: I cannot believe that you are 25 and coming to this place for a birthday party. I look back at her with the look of: I can't believe you think this is a real acting job. After our stare down exchange, she confirms that the Lead Knight will in fact announce the birthday wish and that I have nothing to worry about. thank. you. very. much.

Onto the dungeon we go - or in other terms - through the twisted hallway that is most certainly not under ground.

So, this dungeon, which wasn't a dungeon at all but a little museum on torture devices, was actually really interesting. In the medieval times they really understood what it was to use a simple machine. Up until now, I had never seen an actual chastity belt and let's just say that if I were a dude I wouldn't be putting my "thing" anywhere close to one. I do however realize where the horrible term of (and I can't believe I am typing this) snatch comes from. Shudder!

Inside, we got charged for over priced beers from a wench and screamed our heads off for our knight - who didn't win. All in all, at the end of the night I was stuffed to the gills with roasted chicken, birthday cake, ale and potatoes (or pah-tah-toes). It was pretty fun. The horses definitly put on a good show of fancy footwork too - which ain't half bad.

Recommended: If you have the coin to drop do it for sure.


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