Thursday, January 22, 2009

Unfancy things happen to good people.

There are millions of reasons to let winter get you down: sunless heavens, not a lick of natural earth anywhere (just ice over ice over ice), having to hide your miniskirt under giant down jackets. It's a shame, really. I understand that you might not be able to recall the feeling of your bare your arms on a bike ride to the Hideout and I can see how you may find it hard to imagine that this frozen tundra is the same Chicago in which you laid on Addison beach and watched the Wednesday night fireworks. I get it. You've got the winter blues. But, come on. That is no reason to dress like a gorilla.

I really cannot comprehend the mentality behind the fur coat. It's 2009. You don't look rich. You don't look chic. You look like a gorilla. Anyway, aren't those gorilla suits expensive? Why are you wearing it on the train? Is that your every day coat? Oh, stop! Do NOT make me laugh. I can't possibly take you seriously when you're dressed like a gorilla, anyway.

But listen. I'm not going to worry about the sudden surge of the Chicago gorilla population because eventually it will be spring and they will go away and I will rejoice. However, I must warn you all. There is a year round fashion disaster that is taking over the midwest. Brace your hearts and hide your children. It's called The Vera Bradley.

This quilted nonsense propagated, no doubt, from some color blind demon crouched in the most swarthy, unlit bowels of hell is the cause of all the injustice in the world. If I spot you with one of these monsters latched to your shoulder two things happen to you and I:

1. You will go on my enemy list.
2. I will say a prayer for you.

The fabrics used to create these...well, I guess they are supposed to be handbags, should be reserved to be used strictly to clean up spills. They are patterned so that you'll never know whether you are looking at a stain of questionable origin or if it is actually part of the horrendous pattern. You will NEVER know! The bags do not match or compliment ANYTHING that you own. I promise you. It does not matter what you are wearing. It does not "go".

Now, I have a confession. A tragedy to tell you. This is a true story. My sixteen year old sister and I are the only women in our entire extended family to not own one of these godforsaken bags. Though we were spared we had to watch it claim every other woman we are welded to by blood. Take heed, my friend. Do not allow this to happen to your loved ones. I made the mistake of going away to college and leaving my mother to fend for herself. She lost the battle in less than two years. It was a sad day.

So now that you know, you can't say I didn't warn you. My conscious can remain clear. Don't pay twice for over-priced quilted nonsense; once with cash and then for the rest of your life with your dignity.

Talking about unfancy things is quite exhausting but if I saved one single soul then I'm glad I did it.

Thanks for caring,

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